2008年9月26日星期五

七个西藏经典笑话







这些照片都是在拉萨的街头、冲赛康小商品批发市场、西郊桑拿门口、朗玛歌舞厅等拍的。

七个西藏经典笑话

恭维健康的绝美回答


一位藏族长途客车司机在高海拔的唐古拉山顶,遇见一个推着货物艰难行进的回族商人,不禁感慨地说:“你们的身体真棒啊!”回族商人擦去额头的汗珠说:“你们藏族的身体才好啊!我在拉萨冲赛康卖了十多年的假货,你们的身体居然都没有一点反应。”

昌都雪花8844的由来

某日,某领导来藏检查指导工作,见西藏夜生活异常丰富,便问当地陪同人员:“西藏人民清闲下来的时候都干什么啊?”答:“在喝酒!以百威为主!”领导:“那就建个啤酒厂嘛,自己解决,免得天天让美国人大赚特赚我们的钱。”

事隔数年,该领导又莅临西藏,看到日新月异的拉萨,心中无限感慨,恰逢上次的当地陪同人员,突然又想起啤酒厂的落实情况,便很含蓄地问:“西藏人民现在清闲下来的时候在干什么啊?”答:“在喝酒,以拉萨和百威为主!”领导大怒:“怎么还有百威啊?还没赶出去吗?”答:“是的,品种太少,大家选择余地小啊!实在没办法。”陪同很无奈地说。

“那就再建一个本土啤酒厂!”于是华润昌都分公司诞生了!从此又多了一个品种——昌都雪花啤酒8844。

西藏之水跨四海

在西藏丰谷酒业有限公司成立5周年之际,丰谷酒业有限公司董事长在大会上发言:“为了开拓全国酒业市场,我公司以西藏海拔4700米高的雪山无污染矿泉水为酒基,将青藏高原之水通过空中水管衔接到四川平原,配以高原种植的青稞、小麦、豌豆等谷物,使用四川传统的酿酒工艺,借用西藏优惠的税收体制,让您很快拥有西藏人民的酒胆和酒肝,拥有西藏人民的酒魄和酒量,为西藏人民再创酒量新高而提供良好的竞技平台,扎西德勒!”

桑拿室内的传真

一个美国人、一个日本人和一个藏人一起去洗芬兰桑拿浴,忽然美国人的手臂发出滴答声,美国人自豪地说:“这是微软新科技,手臂植入芯片就可全球定位,那是联邦调查局在确认我所在的方位,美国人的性命值钱啊!”一会儿日本人的手掌开始播放阿兰的明日赞歌,日本人得意地说:“这是索尼新科技,手掌植入芯片可当MP3用,你们有空到东京试试!”藏人很自卑地去卫生间,由于仓促后臀夹了一片卫生纸,美国人和日本人同时惊奇地问:“那是什么?”藏人轻松地说:“刚收了一份西藏公司总部的传真,要我明天签署一份转让800000万吨矿产开采的合同,西藏有的是资源啊!希望来投资,但是要快啊!”

我们那里多的是

一个日本人、一个美国人和一个西藏人在火车的同一个包厢内,日本人拿出松下笔记本电脑发了个电子邮件后随手将电脑扔出车窗轻松地说:“我们那里多的是”。这时美国人又拿出摩托罗拉手机拨打了一个国际长途后随手将手机扔出车窗轻松地说:“我们那里多的是”。西藏人涨着通红的脸不堪忍受如此挑衅,毕竟咱只是一个不太发达的民族自治地区,就在他左右为难之时,一个四川籍服务员进来送开水,西藏人随手将他扔出车窗轻松地说:“我们那里多的是”。

秃鹫的闲聊

色拉寺天葬台的59只秃鹫在饱餐了今天的5个尸体后,在山顶的最高处懒懒的晒着太阳并开始了每天的闲聊。

其中一只公秃鹫打开了话题,感慨地说:“今天那个壮年汉真可惜!年纪轻轻地就被酒肝夺取了生命,而且我发现他肝脏里还散发着五粮液的清香,不像以往那些都是沱牌曲酒和拉萨啤酒这些廉价酒类的味道,肯定是个县级干部,生活条件这么优越的人类种群也会因官场上的过多应酬而短命啊!可惜!”

另一只母秃鹫这时禁不住泪流而下地说:“那个磕着长头不远万里从德格磕到拉萨的中年妇女才可惜啊!她为什么不早一点去就医呢?虔诚的她以为到了佛祖的跟前就会痊愈她的老胃病。”

一位年长的公秃鹫开导着说:“她走的很轻松,这就是藏人内心深处的最终宿愿,她不会遗憾的,而且你没有留意她胃里还残留着许多的药味吗?”

“味道怪怪的,不像藏药。”

“孩子,现在的藏药除了各地区正规藏药厂以外,许多都是不可靠的,而且现在许多藏药的成份已经是以往的十分之一啊!”

“哦!!!罪孽啊!”

这时一个年幼的秃鹫好奇地探出小脑袋问道:“爷爷、爷爷,那个年轻的小伙子为什么还没老就去世了呢?我感觉他的肌肉很结实,而且肉很硬。”

“嗨呀!那小伙子的父母整天就忙着打麻将,每天给孩子拿钱在外面吃饭,孩子在社会上结交了一些不良少年,而且经常逃课,这不为了女朋友的事情,在KTV歌城跟人打架,被人捅了刀子正中肾脏!可惜啊!”

另一只独眼的秃鹫说:“那个老人倒是修得了正果,我发现他的头盖骨上开了3个眼,一定是个一生慈悲的老人,而且还活到了78岁啊!嗡嘛呢叭咪吽。”

这时一只年轻的母秃鹫悲伤地问道:“爷爷,那个刚出生的孩子是怎么回事啊?这个世界对他来说太不公平了”。

“孩子,藏人现在也将生命看得很儿戏,随意地受孕,随意地堕胎,这是会遭到因果报应的,能够投为人界需要多么漫长的机遇啊!但是凡是生命都有他的因果,藏人将他们最后生命的躯壳奉献给我们禽类食用,这本身就是大自然界中的高尚、倒错的食物链,也就是希望我们不要再去啄食其它更加弱小的生命啊!”。

它们就这样一边交谈着,一边静静地享受着色拉寺后山山顶悬崖边那和煦的雪域暖阳。

久仁布阿若廓热若地

天路修到了西藏,三个地域不同的藏人同搭乘一辆火车一个包厢,一个卫藏朋友,一个安多朋友,一个康巴朋友。不知怎么半路上火车忽然就停了下来,血性的康巴朋友先跳了起来,大声地嚷嚷道:“火车怎么忽然停了,久仁布(口头语,向佛菩萨发誓的意思),我要去把列车长教训一下!”这时安多朋友赶忙拉住康巴朋友劝说道:“阿若(口头语,对人的称呼),火车停了,教训列车长也没用呀!在等等吧!”同时摇摇头深深地叹息到:“谁让我们西藏人自己不会开火车呢。”这时卫藏朋友说:“廓热若地(口头语,对人的称呼),电念(口头语,那么),不就是火车停了吗?这没什么大不了的哥们,你们看,只要我们都把眼睛闭上,假装火车还在开不就行了吗?”

——转载于一博客。

6 条评论:

  1. 蒙古族八荣八耻
    以天生神勇为荣,以有勇无谋为耻。
    以品酒颂歌为荣,以胡喝烂醉为耻。
    以保护故乡为荣,以出卖领土为耻。
    以正宗蒙授为荣,以假蒙实汉为耻。
    以振兴蒙古为荣,以堕落汉化为耻。
    以自力发展为荣,以售祖荣誉为耻。
    以蒙古配偶为荣,以异族堂客为耻。
    以荣辱共存为荣,以袖手旁观为耻。

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  2. Chinese armed police renew repression at Kirti monastery in Ngaba town
    FTC[Friday, September 26, 2008 01:24]
    50 monks beaten; 4 hospitalised

    Free Tibet Campaign has received reports of renewed repression by the Chinese authorities at Kirti monastery in Ngaba county (Ch: Aba county) in the Amdo region of Tibet (Ch: Sichuan province).

    According to a very reliable source who lives in Ngaba county, up to 50 monks from Kirti monastery were beaten by armed police on 24 September. Four monks were so badly injured that they had to be hospitalised, according to the source.

    Ngaba county has been under tight control by the authorities since March 16 2008 when, according to eyewitnesses, armed police fired into a crowd of protesting Tibetans, killing up to 30 Tibetans.

    According to the source, trouble flared again at Kirti monastery (situated about 2km from Ngaba town) yesterday following the severe beating of one of Kirti’s monks by armed police. The monk had left the monastery earlier that day, having obtained the relevant permission from the monastery authorities. As the monk returned to the monastery a short time before dark, he was stopped by Chinese armed police. According to the source, the returning monk was beaten so badly by the armed police that he was bleeding when he managed to return to the monastery.

    Monks asked the bleeding monk what had happened; the monk told them he had been beaten by armed police.

    Fifty monks from Kirti monastery immediately went to a police station that is situated in the immediate vicinity of the monastery. The monks argued with the police, according to the source, and demanded the police explain the reason for the severe beating of the monk. Police told the protesting monks that they would call local authorities to discuss the matter.

    The source reported that shortly after the call was made, two truckloads of armed police arrived at the police station. The police immediately started to beat the monks at the police station, even though the monks had refrained from becoming violent on the arrival of the police, according to the source. Four of the monks were beaten so badly that they had to be hospitalised. Free Tibet Campaign has not been able to confirm where the monks are hospitalised. The four who were hospitalised are high-ranking monks at Kirti monastery and, according to the source, one of them could be the abbot of Kirti, although this could not be confirmed immediately.

    Communication with monks at the monastery has been impossible today and it has not been possible to confirm the name of the monk who was initially beaten, nor the names of the four monks that were hospitalised later.

    Tension between Tibetans and the local authorities have been high since March 16. On August 10 Free Tibet Campaign reported that troop numbers in the town had risen from around 2000 to around 10,000 since the beginning of August. Free Tibet Campaign also reported credible eyewitness reports that two Tibetan women had been wounded in Ngaba town by gunfire thought to have come from armed Chinese troops on August 9.

    Matt Whitticase of Free Tibet Campaign said: “Reports of terrible repression continue to filter out of Tibet, despite the Chinese government’s strenuous attempts to cover up its abuses with its communication blackoutt. The Chinese government must launch an immediate investigation into the beatings by armed police at Kirti and must also immediately confirm the whereabouts of the monks that were hospitalised yesterday.”

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  3. Dalai Lama Officially Invited to Speak at EP
    Phayul[Friday, September 26, 2008 10:17]

    (Left to right) Yangdutso Yangkartsang, Thomas Mann, Thubten Wangchen, Hans-Gert Pöttering, Marcin Libicki
    The Dalai Lama has been officially invited to speak at the European Parliament on December 4. The President of the European Parliament, Hans-Gert Pöttering, told Thubten Wangchen, Director of the Tibet House Foundation in Barcelona, that the Dalai Lama has been officially invited to report to the Parliament to talk about his intentions regarding the Tibet-China issue.

    Pöttering officially received Thubten at the headquarters of the camera in Brussels on September 23.

    Thubten presented before Pöttering 30 thousand signatures collected with the "SOS Tibet" campaign and urged him to facilitate a serious dialogue between the Dalai Lama and the Chinese president, Hu Jintao.

    The German MEP Thomas Mann, Chairman of the Tibet Support Group in the European Parliament, Spanish MEP, María Badía, Yangdutso Yangkartsang, President of the Tibetan community in Belgium; Tenzin Wangmo from Bureau du Tibet in Brussels,and Marcin Libicki, President of the Committee on Petitions of the European Parliament, were also present at the meeting.

    During the meeting Pöttering expressed concern with the current situation in Tibet and assured his support for a peaceful solution to the Tibet issue. Pöttering was one of the main sponsors of the resolution adopted by the majority in the European Parliament in April this year, which condemned the Chinese government's brutal crackdown on Tibetans in the aftermath of March 10 protests.

    Thubten Wangchen, while thanking Pöttering and the European Parliament for their support, said that non-violence and truth remain the most powerful tool for the Tibetans, and shall surely help the Tibetans achieve their goal.

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  4. 记得青海省也有两个顺口溜:
    曾经有个副省长姓王名汉民,汉族,他主管财务;有位回族副省长姓剌,叫剌秉礼;白玛副省长是藏族,人们喜欢称他白省长;有位土族副省长姓马,人们都以为他是回族,可他不是回族。
    第一个顺口溜是:
    白藏民,剌回民。不明不白的马土民,主管财务的王汉民。
    第二个顺口溜是:
    金鸡不下蛋,豺狼不吃肉,斑马不拉车。
    其意思是:省里曾经有过一位省长叫金基鹏,他可能没好好工作,人们很反感他,所以说既然他是“金鸡”也不会给青海省下蛋。人大常委会主任是藏族,叫宦爵才郎,人们谑他“既是豺狼也不敢食肉”。还有一位副省长叫班玛才旦,是藏族,显然他是有职无权,人们说他是“斑马”,只为观赏而不敢承担责任。

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  5. "以蒙古配偶为荣,以异族堂客为耻。"

    连这种种族主义的口号都喊得出来,我看编这种东西的人也够落后的。

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  6. 布什致电问候养病中的达赖喇嘛

    发表日期 24/09/2008 更新日期 24/09/2008 15:26 TU

    美国国务院新近发表的2008年世界宗教自由报告指出,亚洲地区的宗教自由状况继续恶化,中国的状况尤其令人担心。中国的西藏、新疆等地的民众经常因宗教信仰而遭到当局的逮捕拘押。

    越南政府与越南天主教信徒之间的矛盾日益尖锐,河内市政府周二再次漠视天主教徒的强烈反对,正式宣布将在一个前天主教传教士所在地修建公园,这是越南当局第二次在天主教领地修建公共设施。

    布什致电问候达赖喇嘛

    美国总统布什周二打电话给西藏精神领袖达赖喇嘛,布什对达赖喇嘛的身体状况表示关注。并且再次对达赖喇嘛表示敬意。目前健康状况欠佳的达赖喇嘛正在西藏流亡政府所在地达赖萨拉养病,达赖原计划应于本月初去墨西哥以及华盛顿等地访问,按计划,达赖在访问华盛顿时要会见美国总统布什,但是,由于健康问题,达赖取消了原定的访问计划。

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